When you’ve had ENOUGH … you’ll know.


Trust me I know. I actually decided today that I’m fed up of my fucking situation and I’m not doing it anymore, I’m not entertaining it anymore, I don’t want to be involved with it anymore and I point blank refuse to be. You know you could be in the same situation for years and tolerate the same shit for the longest time and then all of a sudden one day you just feel completely different about it all? The build up has been gradual, I won’t lie. It’s been a little bit of bullshit here and there, consistently for the last year and it’s like all the pieces of bullshit have been pieces of an equation and in order for me to get the answer that I needed I needed to find the last piece of the equation – which I received today; that one last piece gave me the answer that I needed, finally an answer that made sense.

I’m done.

It’s so easy to say you’re done and lord knows I’ve said it a million and one times without actually having the balls to follow it through, I can’t explain or make you understand what it was that made it so obvious to me that this time I actually meant it – but I do. I just feel different. It’s weird.

The realness of my situation is that my sons father has kept him a secret, from his family, from his friends, from everyone. He’s done some massively hurtful shit, he’s said the worst things someone could say to me, he told me point blank he will never tell his family about my son because it will ‘break his mums heart’ and they will be so disappointed… lol… *rolls eyes* … I walked away when he said that to me and then he came back and promised he would let them know but just in his own time… my sons now nearly 3 weeks old on wednesday; do you think his ‘own time’ has come around yet? NO. And then on top of it, he’s told me that he doesn’t plan to tell them until after I go visit him in November? Oh fuck off, that was it for me! That was it … no fuck it!

Maybe I will be a fool who falls in love with the wrong guy and allows him to treat me like I’m some insignificant second rate worthless female – maybe I did… maybe I will do it again and again and again but my son? I love him more than life itself, I love him more than I love myself, I love him more than anything and anybody in the world … I will never stand here and allow someone to treat him like he doesn’t matter. Forget that! It hurts me to know that my son will miss out, my son won’t know all his grandparents and his cousins and aunts and whatever, but you know what – their loss not his. He will want for nothing and it was just a shame his dad can’t be a part of that. As long as my son is his ‘dirty little secret’ we’ll stay out of his life…

All I can do is hope that his dad rethinks the situation and looks at it from the perspective of a man … but if he doesn’t I’m more than willing to explain to my son why I walked away; even if he doesn’t understand I know I did what I thought was best for him as his mother. So I put a block on my email account, I don’t want emails containing insufficient explanations, or email telling me what he thinks I wanna hear rather than what he should be telling me. Imagine this; in 3 weeks, not once has he told me “i love u” … all i’ve heard is how HARD it is for him right now. Lol!

*sighs* …

^^ Ditto … As much as I love him, as much as I wanted it to work, as much as I still do … I can’t rate myself for staying through half the shit i’ve stayed through, for saying it’s ok and being as understanding as I have been. What a fucking idiot!

^^ Everytime you hurt me and then you turn around and tell me you love me … it makes me HATE love … until I step back and remember that it’s not LOVE that hurts me … its you.

I hope I will have a happy ending to share with you guys … I love him and I wish he’d not taken me for granted but he has … x

Moral of the story … know what you deserve, expect no more and accept no less.

8 comments

  1. wordsfallfrommyeyes · October 24, 2011

    Congratulations to you for recognising that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. So many people don’t even recognise it.

    You and your son are NOT a secret to be kept in shame. You go out and do whatever, wherever. I do not understand why it will “break his mum’s heart” – except that you’re not married, I guess. But it’s absurd. Mum needs to grow up and stop being protected from the reality of her son, by her son. See how conniving that is.

    Good luck to you & stay strong.

    • Kai Scribe · October 24, 2011

      Thank you honey … yeah maybe it is because we’re not married, but you know he made out he was so serious about us and even up until the other day apparently he wanted to marry me and he said all the right things about how he was going to tell them …. if all that was true, why wouldn’t his family embrace the fact that he’s met someone he wants to share his life with? It obviously wasn’t true and I’m glad I’ve seen that now.

      xxx

  2. Chris Styles · October 24, 2011

    Love this!
    Keep up the good work and ill keep visiting your blog :-)

    -Chris Styles
    http://www.idolizejournal.com

    • Kai Scribe · October 24, 2011

      Aww thanks sweetie!

      I’m gonna check out your blog … the website address has me intrigued :) xx
      x

  3. aliciaannmarie · October 24, 2011

    Good luck. Even if he never comes around you will find someone to love your son as their own and want to have many years and more kids with you. In due time, my friend, in due time.

    • Kai Scribe · October 24, 2011

      Thanks baby girl.

      Oh it’s true, I mean even if he never comes back around; I’m far from short of guys willing to be there for me and for my son, I am confident that if he doesn’t wish to be a role model for my son I can 10000% meet someone who is … although the goal is always to be all the role model my son needs!

      xx

  4. serenityluv1 · October 24, 2011

    I was getting pissed just reading this one, I mean what is the big secret- How do you hide something so beautiful? Your son is apart of him. His mom take one look at him and I’m sure her heart will soften and love him. Besides if she don’t she don’t deserve to enjoy him, but how could his father know if he doesn’t give his family a chance. Ugggh!
    Do you with or without him!! Maybe he will grow up and turn out to be an excellent father!

    • Kai Scribe · October 24, 2011

      *high5* … Exactly! Of course his mum would fall in love with him the minute she saw him, hes her grandson n I can’t understand why he would willingly deprive them both of that relationship. The least he could do for his son is give him that, lord knows he aint given him anything else; not even the free shit – like time!

      What annoys me is that i know if he came correct my son couldnt wish for a better father … He has a lot that he could contribute positively n so do his parents but if he can’t do whats right then yep as you said, i’ll do it without him x

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