Trust me I know. I actually decided today that I’m fed up of my fucking situation and I’m not doing it anymore, I’m not entertaining it anymore, I don’t want to be involved with it anymore and I point blank refuse to be. You know you could be in the same situation for years and tolerate the same shit for the longest time and then all of a sudden one day you just feel completely different about it all? The build up has been gradual, I won’t lie. It’s been a little bit of bullshit here and there, consistently for the last year and it’s like all the pieces of bullshit have been pieces of an equation and in order for me to get the answer that I needed I needed to find the last piece of the equation – which I received today; that one last piece gave me the answer that I needed, finally an answer that made sense.
It’s so easy to say you’re done and lord knows I’ve said it a million and one times without actually having the balls to follow it through, I can’t explain or make you understand what it was that made it so obvious to me that this time I actually meant it – but I do. I just feel different. It’s weird.
The realness of my situation is that my sons father has kept him a secret, from his family, from his friends, from everyone. He’s done some massively hurtful shit, he’s said the worst things someone could say to me, he told me point blank he will never tell his family about my son because it will ‘break his mums heart’ and they will be so disappointed… lol… *rolls eyes* … I walked away when he said that to me and then he came back and promised he would let them know but just in his own time… my sons now nearly 3 weeks old on wednesday; do you think his ‘own time’ has come around yet? NO. And then on top of it, he’s told me that he doesn’t plan to tell them until after I go visit him in November? Oh fuck off, that was it for me! That was it … no fuck it!
Maybe I will be a fool who falls in love with the wrong guy and allows him to treat me like I’m some insignificant second rate worthless female – maybe I did… maybe I will do it again and again and again but my son? I love him more than life itself, I love him more than I love myself, I love him more than anything and anybody in the world … I will never stand here and allow someone to treat him like he doesn’t matter. Forget that! It hurts me to know that my son will miss out, my son won’t know all his grandparents and his cousins and aunts and whatever, but you know what – their loss not his. He will want for nothing and it was just a shame his dad can’t be a part of that. As long as my son is his ‘dirty little secret’ we’ll stay out of his life…
All I can do is hope that his dad rethinks the situation and looks at it from the perspective of a man … but if he doesn’t I’m more than willing to explain to my son why I walked away; even if he doesn’t understand I know I did what I thought was best for him as his mother. So I put a block on my email account, I don’t want emails containing insufficient explanations, or email telling me what he thinks I wanna hear rather than what he should be telling me. Imagine this; in 3 weeks, not once has he told me “i love u” … all i’ve heard is how HARD it is for him right now. Lol!
^^ Ditto … As much as I love him, as much as I wanted it to work, as much as I still do … I can’t rate myself for staying through half the shit i’ve stayed through, for saying it’s ok and being as understanding as I have been. What a fucking idiot!
^^ Everytime you hurt me and then you turn around and tell me you love me … it makes me HATE love … until I step back and remember that it’s not LOVE that hurts me … its you.
I hope I will have a happy ending to share with you guys … I love him and I wish he’d not taken me for granted but he has … x
Moral of the story … know what you deserve, expect no more and accept no less.